I’m still in love with what I wish you were.
it hurt like hell. it still does. but i’m moving forward. for a while i would wake up and just think to myself “i wish i was dead”. he wasn’t here. we weren’t close at all. he didn’t try. he was too afraid. i need more than words. he hurt me. he broke my heart. so i had to listen to my heart and leave him. it still hurts. i love him. i love his family. but i can’t settle. he wasn’t there for me. he knew i needed him. i don’t know why he didn’t want me enough. i wanted him to be the one. i still want to tell him the little things. i still want him to be my best friend. but it’s probably even a month since we’ve spoken. i remember when i thought about not talking for a day. we went over 4 years and didn’t miss a day. not one. and suddenly he’s gone. but tonight i’ve been thinking a lot. i don’t want to be with him any more. sure, i’d love to hold him and kiss him…it would feel perfect he would be so comfortable. but that’s just it. now…it’s only a feeling. i know that he’s really not what i want. and writing that is so releasing. like a burden is lifted. of course it’s still going to hurt. but i’m getting there.
He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
II Corintians 1:22
In this time of emotional isolation, I’m trying to let Jesus be all I need. But I can’t help but feel I’m being punished.
Or possibly attacked.
I was feeling so content, even excited about my life. Now I just feel more alone than I ever have.